Don’t think I won’t make a pretty penny off telling you this story. I’ll find a way. In fact, think of this story as an advertisement for my caravan of wonders.  Mind you, my story begins before I started selling the unique wares you’ll find in my caravan of wonders today. Where, on a side note, you can find anything you need. You’ll even find things you didn’t know you needed until I showed you that you needed them. Anyway, as I was saying, my story begins when I was a young vacuum salesman…

I’d just gotten a shipment of grade A, top of the line, Dust Destroyer 5000 vacuum cleaners. Each was guaranteed to pull the deepest dirt out of the most stubborn of carpets. These vacuums were so great that they practically sold themselves. As such,  I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited to start selling as I was then.

I set off in my caravan that same morning. It was a full day’s travel and my traveling cart arrived in a town just after the sun had set. It has a mind of its own, my caravan, so I had no idea where I was as i had napped on the way. I just saw lines of suburban homes with neatly trimmed lawns, manicured bushes, and pastel paint jobs, so I knew the residents cared deeply about appearances. I knew they wouldn’t be able to pass on the promise of incredibly clean carpets.

I set up shop near a park. That’s when I first smelled a familiar musk. A thick, pungent musk that meant only that this might not be the perfect sales trip as I had been hoping. The smell flitted about only a moment before a cool breeze carried it away and I figure that perhaps I had simply imagined it.  Surely, I thought, it couldn’t be Lurking Larry. That scoundrel! Surely, it couldn’t be so unlucky. I pushed the horrible thought away so I could get some sleep.

The following morning I set out to the first house and potential buyer. A stout woman with hair curlers in her silver locks answered the door. She seems quite susceptible to my charms and eager to buy what I was selling until I pulled a Dust Destroyer 5000 from my bag. Her smiling face quickly turned to disappointment and she stepped aside to reveal a brand new Dust Destroyer 5001. An upgraded model from my product. Looking at it, it seemed almost as if it were scowling at me.

“I have an upgraded model already,” she said. “It doesn’t practically vacuum by itself. It does vacuum by itself.”

She shut the door on me.

Surely this was just a fluke, a onetime unlucky happenstance, I thought. I dragged my Dust Destroyer 5000 over to the next house where a middle aged man with horn-rimmed glasses stepped aside to reveal that he too had recently purchased a Dust Destroyer 5001.

The third house proved the same, but this time the owner, a young man with sun glasses, a red bathing suit, and sunscreen on his nose handed me a card. The card had two large L’s on the front side, and on the back it read “For all your needs, call me.”

“Lurking Larry,” I snarled aloud and gritted my teeth.

“Yeah, mate,” the young man said. “He was very helpful. ”

I looked at the Dust Destroyer 5001. I thought it must have been the design that made it look like it was scowling at me, until it suddenly turned on and began coming after me.

I ran away and it followed.

The young man yelled out, “Oi! That’s my vacuum, mate.”

I didn’t stop to explain that the vacuum was chasing me as I was so terrified, but I supposed he thought I’d run off with his new vacuum.

Things only got worse from there. Each house I passed had its front door flung open as a new Dust Destroyer 5001 took up chase. Dragging my Dust Destroyer 5000 behind me, I ran as fast as I could towards my caravan. By the time I had gotten to my caravan, a horde of angry looking vacuums had closed in on me. The vacuums huffed and puffed and zoomed around my caravan as I leapt inside and locked the door.

The Dust Destroyer 5001s circled my shop and some even clawed at the door with their bristles. I search desperately for a weapon, but came up with nothing. That is until I remembered that my Dust Destroyer 5000s were solidly constructed, grade A, and top of the line. I took hold of one and dashed outside.

Almost immediately a raving vacuum leaped at me as if to clean me off the face of the earth. I swung with my Dust Destroyer 5000 and shattered the supposedly superior Dust Destroyer 5001. More vacuums attacked me, but I easily destroyed them, as well. Pretty soon I found myself on top of a pile of cheap vacuum parts, exhausted but victorious.

I thought I had survived that nightmare, but it got even worse.

The town’s people found me and formed a crowd around me. I thought at first to congratulate me on my heroic stand, but alas they were not pleased with me. Each wanted to be paid back for their destroyed vacuum cleaners. Lurking Larry had wisely already left town, I supposed. He never showed himself to me.  So, I had no choice but to give each customer a Dust Destroyer 5000 to make up for the vacuums I broke. As scary as this is to even say, I didn’t make a penny that day. In fact, I lost a fortune on those vacuums.

The moral of this story, I suppose, is to not buy from that lousy Lurking Larry, but rather me, Dale the Salesman. Come on down to my caravan of wonders! Get your Dust Destroyer 5000, colorful ponchos, sunscreen, or whatever you need!